pondering

Feeding My Soul

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 We don’t inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.

—Native American proverb

I grew up in Singapore which means nature didn’t come easy for us and the occasional jaunt in the Botanic Gardens, East Coast or MacRitchie was about it. I always knew though that I enjoyed being by the beach but until I moved away and experienced real nature where you can’t head traffic or modernity of any kind, I never knew how much it fed my soul. Here is where I learnt to have 2 favourite nature spots that can silent me – Banff, Canada where the rockies are mesmerising and the beaches in Perth, Australia where the crashing of waves are comforting.

I never really camped growing up either so when I first did with my then boyfriend, now husband, I was sold. Despite not having access to a bathroom, it is liberating being out in the open. As I got weaker and weaker last year, I was very grateful that part of the MacRitchie trail was close to home. When I mustered enough energy, I could go into the trails and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist.

Like all the other life lesson, cancer and chemo treatment was a reminder to make time for nature. Life and work has a way of taking over and running the hamster wheel can be all consuming. As I’m slowly going back to normal schedule, I remind myself to take walks, sit in a park, soak by the beach as much as I can in a day. Now I’m also adding to my bucket list, to visit one national park/nature reserve/nature spot a year. So next up when we head to Yogyakarta for our anniversary next week, I’ll look into a nature spot to nourish my soul. Any recommendations anyone?

Dear Little Ones (Some Aren’t So Little Anymore)

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Once covid wrapped up, I thought life would resume back to normal and one of the “normal” was hanging out with the kids in my life. With a compromised immune system, I wasn’t seeing anyone much less the kids who everyone kept reminding me are germ infested on the best of days. Left to video calls and texts, the kids were constantly reminding me that they were all rooting for me.

I officially became an aunt 20 years ago when my cousin and my best friend had their sons. Along the way, I was very blessed with more and more kids coming into my life. There are a couple more due this year too. So from 20 year olds to new borns, I’m grateful my family and friends trust me to hang out with their little ones and hopefully become the favourite aunt 😉 Today one of the these kids, my 17 year old goddaughter got on a plane for Canada to start her next stage of school; and this week’s life lesson is going to come in a form of a letter to these kids in my life. They’ve all heard/read me say this to them in one way or another but the last year crystallised this hope I have for them – Believe in yourself.

Dear Little Ones,

You all came into my life in so many different ways and I’m so very grateful that you all did. In many more ways, you’ve all taught me a lot of things too and in the last year, I’ve been so touched by all your love and support through one of the craziest years of my life. Your texts, calls, cards, letters made feeling sick easier and reminded me how blessed I am with the village that continues to raise me.

As you all grow, you’ll come to this realisation yourselves. Like me, you’re all blessed with great villages that love, support and believe in you. And for all of you I hope this life lesson comes to you sooner rather than later – Believe in yourself.

The world we live in is a crazy one. Social media makes it even harder. There are going to be dark days, tough ones when you feel completely alone, in spite of the village. That’s when this life lesson kicked in for me. In the darkest of moments, when you are left on your own, you slowly learn and in my case with the grace of God, to believe in yourself.

As different as all of you are from each other, I know this is the same – each of you have a unique ability that makes you YOU and when you discover that about yourself, you will be stronger than you ever thought about yourself.

So go forth believe in yourself, trust yourself, find your voice and tell your story. When you’re ready, I’ll be right here ready to listen.

With So Much Love,

Coco/Yiyi/Godma/Aunty Carlene

Don’t Wait

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Last year this time, I was one third through my primary protocol and getting a hang of how my body was reacting to all the different drugs. The cumulative effects were also starting to show and my energy levels started to dip more drastically. My eyebrows among others parts were disappearing. My stomach was getting more uncomfortable, enough for me to start thinking about cutting my treatment short.

I remember thinking if fighting to be alive is worth the suffering I had to endure and to distract myself I found my mind going to the future when I assumed I won the fight and could do as I please. I have a very active imagination and through those fantasies I heard myself going, “Don’t wait!” which is a tad strange. Pre cancer, I always thought I had a pretty charmed life and that I was doing all the “right” things already. You know, people and spending time with them are more important than money. Material things are meant to be enjoyed and shouldn’t own you. Work has to be inspiring and meaningful. All these haven’t change but lying in bed with a digestive system that didn’t want to digest and a body that didn’t want to move made me realise there are few things I wanted to do that I didn’t or hadn’t yet. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Some is because I think I couldn’t afford it or shouldn’t spend on it, others I think I was afraid to put myself out there.

As I prepared for this post, I decided that I’m going to start a bucket list of sorts and to kick it off, here’s my top three plans post chemo:-

  1. Write that children’s book
  2. Spend days by myself
  3. Make impromptu and spontaneous getaways

I’ll keep updating this page as life goes along and we’ll see where “Don’t Wait!” takes me. Meanwhile, people in my life and here are a few moments from last year that made it all worth while.

Everything Fades and Nothing Lasts

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I love satires. How they make you laugh out loud and ponder life’s mysteries at the same time. It takes a certain sort of talent to do this well so I was enamoured, to say the least when I binged on Beef this week. Sharp writing coupled with considered direction and palpable performance, this series ended nearly perfectly for me. I don’t even need another season. It was also another timely reminder of one of the key lessons cancer brought – everything fades and nothing lasts.

I mentioned in an earlier post, one of the themes from last year that really resonates with me is transience. Beef was like a poke from the universe as I find myself rushing to get back to who I was pre-chemo. It really isn’t easy to change, to push out of our comfort zone and grow. It’s like I need to tattoo it to my arm “everything fades, slow down and savour” Packing my days, rushing and like my mother likes to say bouncing off the walls seems to my default. No surprises here that the week after my last treatment, I’m still getting annoyed when I get tired and irritated that I can’t do what I use to do without a nap. I have a hunch this growing is going to take more time and constants reminders … also why I’m blogging. Part of the whole process of keeping myself honest and savouring it all because nothing lasts, which is why I had many mental pictures from this week too.

My Meimei’s were home and we had quite a number of moments that will have me chuckling out loud as I ponder on life’s great mysterious – like a good satire.

Happy Hoppity Hallelujah

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I love Easter. It is my favourite time on the Catholic calendar. I also mentioned in an earlier post how I’ve split my life to BC (Before Cancer) and AD (After the Death of 47 year old me) so it’s seems pretty timely that I sat for the last infusion of my cancer treatment in time to celebrate Easter.

My last session was boring and uneventful. 6 years ago when one of my bestie had her own fight against breast cancer, I prayed for boring and uneventful infusions. Last year, when it came to my turn, I was reminded how boring is so underrated. Coupled with crossing the mid life crisis season, I have very little patience for drama which is a tad funny considering my line of work but I digress.

Back to my last infusion, I took the boredom of routine all in and tried to remember everything. Waiting for my turn, getting my stats checked, blood drawn, getting ready in my favourite chair, chatting with Dr. Chan and joking with the nurses. I even got to sit next to an old friend who is starting her treatment … yes, it is that small of a world. And got to see a friend I made through chemo and manage to get to say goodbye. All in all a boring and uneventful session where the people I love are going about their day and the people who love me had nothing to worry about.

Cancer and the drama it brought showed me that when I have nothing to do, cherish it and savour the moment. Look out far away, day dream, imagine and fantasize. Take deep breaths and slow down. The world and society have expectations and a way of how things are done, I can do things differently, it isn’t always intuitive but embracing boredom is 48 year old me trying to get off the hamster wheel and learning to listen to myself.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

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When I started chemo, I was told that brain fog would be one of the side effects. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but I really wasn’t ready for how stupid I felt. EVERYTHING slowed down. So much so that I couldn’t check off a long To Watch list that I was excited to delve into as part of my down time. It was a list of new shows, anime, foreign language films. I quickly learnt I couldn’t process new storylines or premises, much less read subtitles. So I went back and started rewatching some my favourites and to name a few:-

  • X-Files
  • Seinfeld
  • Criminal Minds, all 12 seasons!
  • The West Wing
  • Breaking Bad
  • The Walking Dead
  • Modern Family
  • Clone Wars and this got me to re-watch the entire Star Wars franchise to date!

It was easier to fall in and out of sleep with these familiar stories playing. While my synapses felt blunt, my memories were surprisingly all there. I was quite impressed at how much I could remember of my favourite episodes and laughed or cried at pretty the same moments. As I am coming out of my brain fog and starting to feel more like myself, I learnt from a year of re-bingeing – good stories and relatable characters are timeless. All good things can’t last forever and 5 seasons seems to be how long any concept should live before it becomes bad. Maybe not bad but not as good as it was. Also, while not everyone will agree with me, I reckon The Clone Wars was a really good extension of the Star Wars world and I wish we saw Darth Maul more.

With my parents home from Australia and their binge on all things local, I caught up on Singaporean TV too. This simply reiterated the fact that relatable characters will get you very time. Now that the fog is lifting and my brain is starting to click like it was, I’m going back to my stories, re-focusing them, pushing the characters and planning to get them told.

Watch this space … because another life lesson from cancer and chemo, just tell your story.

P/S: Streamers should have cartoons from the 80s and 90s on their platform too. Loads of new cartoon but hard to find the ones I grew up on.

Help! I need Somebody

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Definitely one of my favourite Beatles song and a line I rarely use. I come from a long lineage of strong independent women who rarely ask for help. My Mom and Grandmas were examples of how when the going gets tough, the tough just keeps going. In the last year, as it got tougher and tougher, I was very fortunate. I didn’t even have to ask. Help came in so many ways, some were needed and others not quite but the thought helped keep my spirits up.

That said, when my cousin reached out to me last week as her friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and was going to start chemotherapy, she wanted to know how she could help. Which brings me to this post as I reflected on how it’s hard to ask for help especially when you have no idea what help you need. So as an experienced chemo warrior, I thought I’d come up with a list for anyone wondering how to help:-

  • Cooking, I really appreciated that I didn’t need to think about what to eat. I mean I didn’t feel like eating most of the time and it was so helpful to have a little something and someone prodding me every couple of hours to eat. I had a friend who who cut fruits and delivered them to me! Just check in with them on their diet restrictions, if any.
  • Cleaning, I had no energy at all so any help with chores around the house would be helpful. I’m usually quite an OCD but when I was feeling so weak, I was just so grateful that chores were getting done, it really didn’t matter it wasn’t done in my way.
  • Driving to and from doctor’s appointments and treatments. As I come to the end of my treatment and am driving myself again, it was really lovely to just get in the car and not have to deal with traffic.
  • I had a few friends who bought me gift certificates from supermarkets, specialty grocery stores and such. That was super helpful! With so many expenses, it was really one less thing to worry about. One of my cousins even bought me groceries a couple of times.
  • Checking in without expecting a response. I wasn’t always in the right frame of mind to reply but it gave me the warm and fuzzies to wake up to messages from friends and family who were just thinking of me and didn’t need a response.
  • Other gifts that I received which I used were comfy PJs which I wore nearly exclusively, beanies to keep my bald head warm and fuzzy socks as the chemo clinic gets quite cold.

As the memory of feeling so weak starts to fade and become more of a shadow, I want to remember as well supported as I was, I need to learn to ask for help. I really can’t do it on my own and asking for help isn’t about weakness, it’s about vulnerability. And only with vulnerability can you make authentic connections. I’m still working through this life lesson. Going through chemo treatment seems like the catalyst for this revelation. As I know I’ve grown closer to people whom I’ve shared this vulnerability with.

14 March 2022
28 March 2022

Starting Cycle #15

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Turning 47 was a muted occasion. I had 2 chemo infusions by then and the side effects were slowly starting to creep in. I also started my no soya and no sugar diet so there were no birthday treats to be had and I had no energy to protest. While I spent most of it taking it easy and nursing an unhappy tummy, it didn’t stop my family and friends from sending their love.

Don’t ever remember having so much flowers around me. And I have to say, flowers do make everything look prettier. I did say, I’m truly blessed with the village I’m a part of. Fast forward through chemo, WFH, surgery, radiation, more staying in because of a compromised immune system, more WFH, more chemo and immunotherapy; turning 48 is definitely cause for celebrations and so much to unpack.

If the prognosis wasn’t as positive and I had lost the fight to cancer, I’m happy to say I had no regrets in the first 47 years of my life. Sure, I made mistakes, got lazy, wasted time but by and large, I loved hard, worked hard and was afforded opportunities my 12 year old self wouldn’t have dared to think about.

Now with this second chance of sorts, it’s yet another opportunity to truly live the authentic life I often ponder about. What does that mean and how would it look like? In 2021, I thought my life and I guess the world in general was going to be split between pre-covid and post-covid. Now, for me it’s going to be BC, before cancer and AD, after the death of 47 year old me.

48 year old me has the same unbridled passion for leaving the world better than when I entered it. Just now more considered … it isn’t all cancer, it’s got a lot to do with getting older and hopefully wiser from the experiences life, including cancer have given me. In my attempt to live an authentic life, here’s my checklist:-

  • listen to myself
  • be honest to myself
  • show up for myself

Before I can authentically listen to others, be honest to others and show up for others. BC was learning, I’m hoping AD is about applying. From the famous words of my favourite drag queen (I do love drag queens)

If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Amen!

It’s Been a Year

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It’s time for infusion #15 out of 17 and it’s been a year since I started. 14th February 2022 was when I had my first chemotherapy infusion. I remember that Valentine’s day quite clearly, the emotions more than anything else. Everyone who love me was worried. I could feel it with every call and text which had my bravado shell switched on. Also, it’s the perennial “you don’t know what you don’t know”, right? I had some idea that it could get very bad but honestly, I didn’t have much idea what to expect so I was quite relaxed that day.

14 February 2022
14 February 2022

Chemo turned out to be very trying. Some days physically and other days much more mental. Now that the worst of it is over and I’m looking at the last stretch of the infusion treatment, I can say it could have been worse, much much worse. Definitely not interested in finding out how much more but stories from other #cancerwarriors reminded me of yet another #lifelesson I have yet to perfect – be grateful.

Friends know I always say “it could be worse.” I do believe it but it wasn’t until going through cancer treatment , did I realise how much worse things can be. Of course on the flip side, it can be better but hey, common sense, keeping up with the Joneses never made anyone happy. We know better and it’s all about perspective.

Not a new lesson, as 5 years ago there was this Now, it’s just cemented by the experience of fighting cancer. So today as I woke up from my usual infusion nap, I am grateful, very grateful for so many blessings. Top of my list would be the people in my life. From my family near and far to friends, even those who I haven’t heard from in years reaching out to give comfort. It is always the people in our lives who make it all worth it.

Much Ado About Hair

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I’ve had long hair all of my life before 13th February 2022. The shortest it has ever been was what I would call a cute bob. Never had I ever considered anything shorter.

Mostly because I thought I had a really round face with flat straight hair that wouldn’t look particularly appealing. It took getting ready for chemo to chop off my hair. Lo and behold, I look pretty decent, if I don’t say so myself. The day before my first chemo infusion, I sat in the chair of my favourite stylist and told her to do as she saw fit and take it all off.

I felt fresh and it gave me that extra boost I needed to start chemo. The style lasted all of three weeks. In that three weeks, I learnt that I really love having short hair and it’s easy to maintain too. Then it started to all fall out, more about that in another post. Meanwhile, it’s post chemo and my hair is growing back in. It’s short like I would never imagine and I’m hoping it’s sassy too.

Think I’m going to keep it short for a while and make the habit of seeing my stylist once every 6 weeks. Something I never did before with long hair. Another #lifelesson you never know until you try … and even if you don’t like it, that’s when you’ll know for sure! So here’s me in what is typically called a pixie cut. Thanks to cancer and chemo, if not this wouldn’t happen.

rolling out