WTF

Letting Go

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As I get comfy into round 14 out of 17 immunotherapy session, I go into my usual relaxed mode and the feeling to nap overtakes me. I’m completely knocked out and wake up to the gentle tapping from a new nurse, “Carlene, all done.” I’m like a pro now, knowing the routine – collecting stats, blood … and for some reason always needing to pee in between. I love routines. For a control freak like me, I thrive on it so last year this time when routine was thrown out of the window, I had to relearn to let go.

The first of many infusion set up
Control what you can and let go what you can’t

2022 was suppose to be a busy year and a post covid life getting back to normal. Shows were going to get greenlit, us trying to make a difference with stories from our part of the world but the universe has other plans … as she always does when I get to certain of my own plans. As they say three strikes of the match, started with the cancer diagnosis in February, then losing my amazing boss in April as part of a corporate restructure and finally in August, the same restructure saw me losing my awesome teammate of our well oiled team. That pretty much sums up how my plans were thrown out of the window onto a busy road, ran over by a moped, car and then a monster truck! I had to let go of plans … mostly because I had no choice in the matter. I want to learn how to let go when you have a choice, maybe then I won’t have to relearn this lesson again. Advice anyone?

And I’m back!

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Hello from Perth! It has been a while since I was back and even longer since I last posted. A lot has happened and I’m coming back to my blog. It was set up, way back when to keep me accountable and in 2023, it is precisely why I’m back. To reflect on the last 12months and try to make sense of it.

One year today I was diagnosed with cancer. Stage 3C triple positive breast cancer. As bad as it sounds, ironically, it is a good thing. Simply because of the aggressive nature of it, made it one of the more researched cancers with many successful protocols that I was fortunate to have access to. Now I’m in one of my favorite cities reflecting on one of the most unique years of my life.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time in hospitals. That’s where I learnt you want your intravenous drip on your non-dominant hand so that leaves your dominant arm free to do what it needs. Also why it didn’t faze me when doctors said I would need to be on chemo for a better part of the year, then surgery with another month of radiation as well as immunotherapy and anti hormone treatment. While I wasn’t fazed, I had previously thought to myself if I ever get cancer, I would NEVER do chemo and try alternatives first. This is my first lesson from cancer, never say never … especially NEVER. It’s like a funny way for daring the universe who always has a way of showing me that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

That’s what happened when I was first told it was cancer and possibly stage 1. I was all “ok, stage 1, what kind of alternative therapies are there?” Then it became more likely stage 2 and alternative therapies are still work-able. When it quickly became stage 3C and alternative treatments are no more alternatives, I had to swallow my “I’ll NEVER do chemo.”

There were plenty of emotions when I had this come to Jesus moment. It was quite a range if I remember correctly too. My Dad asked if I was angry which is my go to emotion. I was mostly a bunch of nerves and anxiety and in true me style, I went into crisis management mode. What does triple positive mean, what are different treatments, what are the side effects? Trying to get as informed as my lay medical self could possibly understand.

And came to the conclusion that we have to be as aggressive in treatment as this mofo aggressive triple positive cancer. I then imagined these cancer cells being of the Sith order and the chemo drugs are Jedis with numerous X-wings in a battle on the intergalactic system of Carlene. Settling myself into possibly the biggest fight my body has had to put up. As I embraced chemo, I knew at the back of my mind that this experience has to be an opportunity to learn and grow. What and how, I’m not exactly sure yet; hence this year of reflection. With some distance of time, I’m hoping for some clarity as I slowly recollect the lessons here on my blog. Not so much new lessons but at 47, cancer was more of a refresher course, crystallizing what the universe had tried to impress on me years before. So the next 52 weeks, to keep me honest, I’ll be blogging or vlogging about these lessons. Making sure they stick so the universe doesn’t have to send me on a another refresher course.

Never say never

Being a 30 Something

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I said it before, I love getting older and the 30s with all it’s ups and downs (some pretty heavy downs too) I love love love it.  It’s about becoming more aware, growing a soul and generally hopefully becoming a better version of my crazy and spontaneous 20something self.  So when I read what Anton Casey, all of 39 years old, did online, I’m like WTF!!  Seriously, dude, you deserve everything you’re getting because at 39 years old, you have no excuses.  None at all.  What in the world were you thinking when you posted this on social media?

Sure, I can see how someone can quietly crack a joke like that in the privacy of their own bedrooms on their 2500 thread count Egyptian cotton bedsheets and think it’s remotely funny but on Social Media?!?!  And ok, I can also see this being done by a reckless teenager who grew up never having spent time with their parents, not ever lifting a finger and having other people pick up their crap.  But a 39 year old father?

Like my Dad always says, “In time, the laws of the universe teaches us all what we need to learn.”  It’s a pretty painful lesson to learn at 39 years old but oh so, necessary if his thoughtless post is any representation of who he really is.  In my household, it’s called growing pains and better to learn at 39 than not at all, I say 🙂

Another reminder to me that anyone can read this blog and while it exists mostly for me to remember who I was and how I think at a point of time, I’m hoping it also helps create a habit to be responsible about how I think and what I say or write.  It is about a journey of growing up.  My journey of wearing out my skin, getting it to a point where it’s so comfortable, my ego doesn’t exist and when the time comes for it to give way, I’m happy with how I lived but this is a public platform and so I shouldn’t write every thoughtless thing that comes into my head because yes, every once in a while my mind shocks me too with some of the poppycock that pops up.  That’s why being in your 30s is cooler than being in your 20s.  You can call out your own BS, you know better and that some jokes shouldn’t even be whispered out loud.

Wonder what turning 39 this year will reveal and maybe the 40s could be a decade even better than my 30s?  One can hope 🙂

In the meantime, happy last weekend of the Snake year!!

iOS 7

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Here’s my 2 cents.  First things first, I bought an iPhone and I do not want it to look like an Android.

So they’ve lost me on the design.  There’s an elegance in iOS 6 that I much prefer, note the picture on the left … maybe I just like shadows.  Next, I’m not fond of form taking precedence over function.  Transitions are pretty but if that’s all it is without any function, it feels like a percentage of the profits I’m contributing to is going to waste.  My question is this, what’s with the icons flying in each time I ‘open’ my phone?  Like I said, I don’t want my iPhone to look like a Samsung, if I did, I’d buy the Samsung Note 3.  So much for “We don’t add features simply because we can, because it’s technologically possible. We add features only when they’re truly useful. ” because I want to know what is Parallax for?

I also really don’t like when you change gestures for no apparent reason.  Like left to right swipe for Delete is now right to left.  Also, to ‘close’ apps it’s no longer holding onto an icon but swiping upwards.  It really isn’t a big deal but like that pebble in your shoe, it can be rather annoying.  I don’t know if anyone on the design team gave it any thought, which seems to go against the ethos of Apple, when you have to relearn something with no real benefit, it’ll usually bug your user.

That said, I do like some improvements. Like Control Centre, very much appreciated there and Airdrop but why oh why doesn’t Airdrop work between iOS devices and your Mac?  The iTunes Radio, I really like 🙂  As you can tell, at the moment I’m not a huge fan of iOS 7 so I might be reviewing an Android device a lot sooner than I expected or made to eat this post when I find out what Parallax is truly useful for 🙂

Haze-a-pore

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I know I’ve been blessed all my life and in case I forget, God reminded me again by letting the haze envelop Singapore just as I got on a plane to head to Perth.  Ok ok ok, that doesn’t mean God doesn’t love my sister who’s had to battle the crazy haze with the rest of Singapore.  I know I just got lucky this time around.  Very lucky as I read and kept in touch with daily PSI readings till it went into the hazardous stages.

Here’s a picture my friend sent me where the Singapore Flyer is completely shrouded by the haze earlier today.  I truly don’t know what can be done because I don’t know enough about what’s happening in Indonesia to have a seriously considered comment about how they do things.  I have been busy in Perth :p  However, I bet I have a teenage neighbour who smokes from his bedroom window because it faces mine so occasionally I smell cigarette smoke in my room.  I may not have satellite images revealing the fire and the smoke from his bedroom and even if I did, I do understand the need for a diplomacy dance.  We live side by side and everyday we’re going to have to share other common areas and air being one of them.  Fortunately there are things I can do, close the window, switch on the fan and blow it in his direction, politely let them know and hope they react positively.

The haze, on the other hand, isn’t quite within Singapore’s control but each and every one of us can also do our level best.  Close the windows, share what we can afford to those who cannot and be part of the solution rather than be part of the problem.  Easy for me to say, I’m not home.  I’d like to think I could be that way if I was home too and not hoard masks, blame everyone else and use the haze as an excuse to laze.  I’m sure I’ll be put to the test when I’m back home … according to everything I’ve read, it’s likely to stay for a couple of months.

I’m not the only lucky one though.  I think for the first time ever, my friends, Cherry, Gerie, Claire, Lynn and I are not in Singapore at the EXACT same time.  Over this crazy haze weekend, we were in different parts of the world.

Ah got to love these 6 kids 🙂  Aren’t they adorable?  If there was a good time for being in different parts of the world at the same time, this would have been it.

See everyone back in Singapore in July!!

A Good Fracture

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A week ago today, my husband went for a run in the nature trails of MacRitchie Reservoir.  I’ve always been very grateful to live so close to it but not as much as my husband was last week.  You see, he usually runs in the evenings and last week he left a little later than usual, went in further than usual and all that means is that he was running back in the dark.  That’s because after sun down, it’s hard to see on the trails. I know because I run in the mornings and have left my house a little earlier than usual before the sun rises and told myself never do it again because it was really hard to see.

As the story goes for my husband, it’s all dark and getting spooky on the trails, he starts to run quicker, misses his footing, twists his ankle and hears a snap!!  Then he hobbles all the way home and was probably more grateful than ever that we live close by.  At first he doesn’t think he broke anything because he’s had experience with a broken toe and it felt nothing like that.  We go to bed but wake up the next day to his ankle really swollen and him not being able to put ANY pressure on it.  Off to the hospital we go!!

And it’s confirmed.  He did fracture his ankle but apparently according to the orthopaedic surgeon it’s the best kind to have, meaning it should heal well.  I also learnt that bones heal better than ligaments or muscles or tissues.  You heard it here, if you’ve injured your ligament or muscles or tissue, you should rest up more and longer than if you’ve had a fracture.  *looking straight at my sister and my Mummy*  Right now my husband is suppose to stay off his right foot for 2 weeks and keep it in his high tech Aircast boot for 6, which means I’m playing nurse 🙂  It’s alright by me though.  I much rather give care than receive it :p

Meanwhile, on a stranger note, my husband fractures his right ankle a week after my sister incurred a deep tissue injury on her right ankle while wakeboarding who followed a week after my Mummy sprains her right ankle too.  Too much of a coincidence?  I’m not sure what it all means.  I’m just glad they are all ok and are healing well 🙂

How has your last week been?

Seriously?

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All I can say is I’ll let some time pass … about 365 days to be exact before I let my thoughts on this go wild 🙂

Why a year?  I’d like to see how this regulation is implemented especially since the current class license seems to be able to take care of the problems this new regulation is hoping to solve.  Yes, I am a tad confused on the necessity of this new regulation.

Also, a little sad but I’m all about the glass being half full so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this regulation is just for what they are saying it’s for and not to control the way people think.  I’m willing to give it a year and the benefit of doubt.  For now, that is.

Reminder set for May 28, 2014.  Check.

Freak Accidents

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I don’t like them but every once in a while they happen.  Earlier this week, one of my Goddaughters, Nicole had a very strange one happen to her and I’m so grateful she wasn’t badly hurt.  Actually in the bigger scheme of things, she was ok 🙂

Here’s what happened, some how, no one knows exactly how but her earring got pulled into her ear lobe!!  Yes, where the stud/stone usually is, the front portion of the earring, it was pulled back into her ear lobe.  So much so her parents thought the stud/stone had broken off because you could still see the back of the earring coming from the back of her ear.  It wasn’t until the x-ray revealed this:-

That’s the stud of her earring actually intact and in her ear lobe!!  According to her doctor, this isn’t common but it’s happened before O_o  Makes me rethink this ear piercing business.  I still remember getting my ears pierced and I was only 3 at that time … that’s for a whole other post.  Back to Nicole who was as brave as one can be with an earring stuck in your ear lobe, which made me realise how much she’s grown since I first started getting to know her.

That little precocious toddler has given way to a considerate little girl.  There are still a couple of days when that spunky toddler appears especially when she feels she’s had made one too many sacrifices for her little sister.  Those days are rare, especially with me as she’s growing to be quite the kind and compassionate girl 🙂

As tween-dom beckons, the challenges of this new stage are slowly showing.  I’ve started to notice the insecurities, I remember so clearly in my own growing pains, appearing as she starts to navigate the world of friends and people outside your comfort zone.  Dealing with people who may or may not like you, trying to understand where people are coming from, developing empathy … these aren’t things that can be taught.  You learn them watching the people around you, parents, grandparents, teachers and other children around you.  It’s exciting and scary at the same time.  As a Godmother, I must admit, I do get nervous watching these little ones enter this new stage of their lives, only because I remember the complex terrain of it.

As they grow, I’ve to remind myself to give them space to find themselves.  I’m pretty sure I’ll keep trying to be that cool Godma/Aunt … at least from my perspective :p  I’m going to be right there holding their growing hands through this stage as I did when they were little toddlers needing help climbing stairs, going down slides or just walking along.

It’s when they go into teen-dom that I’ll really start to worry 🙂

Daylight Savings

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There was a time, I use to always be in LA every year when the clocks shift back to standard time, a couple of days before and a couple of days after.  I did not like it one bit.  It was confusing and by the time everyone was settled into the hour change, it was time for me to go home.  Made me more grateful to live one degree north of the equator.

Being part of a global startup means daylight savings become a normal part of the year and I’m learning to be more grateful for it :p  From now to March next year, with no change in my part of the world, I get to sleep in a little more!!  You know what though, my body clock still wakes up at 7am … and I bet by the time it’s gotten use to waking up at 8am, it’ll be time for daylight savings to kick back in and I have to be up at 7am again.

I did already say I don’t like daylight savings.

Brave

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I love Disney but I love Pixar more and Disney is ruining Pixar for me 😦 Hmph!!

Over the weekend I watched Brave.  I was looking forward to it.  Unlike the usual Pixar library, the protagonist is a girl.  That should have been the first warning sign.  You know why?  Pixar doesn’t make films about princesses.  Disney does.

Honestly, this was a Disney movie that should have been called Mother Bear.  It was not a Pixar film.

Technically, Pixar is one of the more advance studios in the world but what is great about Pixar are their stories.  Brave was no example of their story telling prowess.  It’s a beautiful showcase of their ability to animate hair and wet hair at that!!  The story though … dismal, is all I can say.

It is one of Disney’s Princess movies.  Nothing wrong with that … ‘cept this was suppose to be a Pixar film.  So I was expecting the likes of Up, Monsters Inc, Wall-E, Toy Story … you know what I mean.  Anyway, the modern 21st century princess stories from Disney irritates me.  Why do these princesses all have to be such spoilt brats?  Also, I don’t know why the movie was called Brave.  There was nothing brave about the story at all.  It was essentially about a brat learning that you can’t always have what you want, if you try too hard you might lose your Mummy!!

So my 2cents about Brave, you can honestly give it a miss.  The beautiful way they could animate the hair wasn’t even worth it.  Wet hair bouncing isn’t quite the same as transforming robots.  I’m not giving up on Pixar just yet.

I really hope Disney keeps her talons off this one.