gratitude

Everything Fades and Nothing Lasts

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I love satires. How they make you laugh out loud and ponder life’s mysteries at the same time. It takes a certain sort of talent to do this well so I was enamoured, to say the least when I binged on Beef this week. Sharp writing coupled with considered direction and palpable performance, this series ended nearly perfectly for me. I don’t even need another season. It was also another timely reminder of one of the key lessons cancer brought – everything fades and nothing lasts.

I mentioned in an earlier post, one of the themes from last year that really resonates with me is transience. Beef was like a poke from the universe as I find myself rushing to get back to who I was pre-chemo. It really isn’t easy to change, to push out of our comfort zone and grow. It’s like I need to tattoo it to my arm “everything fades, slow down and savour” Packing my days, rushing and like my mother likes to say bouncing off the walls seems to my default. No surprises here that the week after my last treatment, I’m still getting annoyed when I get tired and irritated that I can’t do what I use to do without a nap. I have a hunch this growing is going to take more time and constants reminders … also why I’m blogging. Part of the whole process of keeping myself honest and savouring it all because nothing lasts, which is why I had many mental pictures from this week too.

My Meimei’s were home and we had quite a number of moments that will have me chuckling out loud as I ponder on life’s great mysterious – like a good satire.

Starting Cycle #15

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Turning 47 was a muted occasion. I had 2 chemo infusions by then and the side effects were slowly starting to creep in. I also started my no soya and no sugar diet so there were no birthday treats to be had and I had no energy to protest. While I spent most of it taking it easy and nursing an unhappy tummy, it didn’t stop my family and friends from sending their love.

Don’t ever remember having so much flowers around me. And I have to say, flowers do make everything look prettier. I did say, I’m truly blessed with the village I’m a part of. Fast forward through chemo, WFH, surgery, radiation, more staying in because of a compromised immune system, more WFH, more chemo and immunotherapy; turning 48 is definitely cause for celebrations and so much to unpack.

If the prognosis wasn’t as positive and I had lost the fight to cancer, I’m happy to say I had no regrets in the first 47 years of my life. Sure, I made mistakes, got lazy, wasted time but by and large, I loved hard, worked hard and was afforded opportunities my 12 year old self wouldn’t have dared to think about.

Now with this second chance of sorts, it’s yet another opportunity to truly live the authentic life I often ponder about. What does that mean and how would it look like? In 2021, I thought my life and I guess the world in general was going to be split between pre-covid and post-covid. Now, for me it’s going to be BC, before cancer and AD, after the death of 47 year old me.

48 year old me has the same unbridled passion for leaving the world better than when I entered it. Just now more considered … it isn’t all cancer, it’s got a lot to do with getting older and hopefully wiser from the experiences life, including cancer have given me. In my attempt to live an authentic life, here’s my checklist:-

  • listen to myself
  • be honest to myself
  • show up for myself

Before I can authentically listen to others, be honest to others and show up for others. BC was learning, I’m hoping AD is about applying. From the famous words of my favourite drag queen (I do love drag queens)

If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Amen!

It’s Been a Year

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It’s time for infusion #15 out of 17 and it’s been a year since I started. 14th February 2022 was when I had my first chemotherapy infusion. I remember that Valentine’s day quite clearly, the emotions more than anything else. Everyone who love me was worried. I could feel it with every call and text which had my bravado shell switched on. Also, it’s the perennial “you don’t know what you don’t know”, right? I had some idea that it could get very bad but honestly, I didn’t have much idea what to expect so I was quite relaxed that day.

14 February 2022
14 February 2022

Chemo turned out to be very trying. Some days physically and other days much more mental. Now that the worst of it is over and I’m looking at the last stretch of the infusion treatment, I can say it could have been worse, much much worse. Definitely not interested in finding out how much more but stories from other #cancerwarriors reminded me of yet another #lifelesson I have yet to perfect – be grateful.

Friends know I always say “it could be worse.” I do believe it but it wasn’t until going through cancer treatment , did I realise how much worse things can be. Of course on the flip side, it can be better but hey, common sense, keeping up with the Joneses never made anyone happy. We know better and it’s all about perspective.

Not a new lesson, as 5 years ago there was this Now, it’s just cemented by the experience of fighting cancer. So today as I woke up from my usual infusion nap, I am grateful, very grateful for so many blessings. Top of my list would be the people in my life. From my family near and far to friends, even those who I haven’t heard from in years reaching out to give comfort. It is always the people in our lives who make it all worth it.

Much Ado About Hair

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I’ve had long hair all of my life before 13th February 2022. The shortest it has ever been was what I would call a cute bob. Never had I ever considered anything shorter.

Mostly because I thought I had a really round face with flat straight hair that wouldn’t look particularly appealing. It took getting ready for chemo to chop off my hair. Lo and behold, I look pretty decent, if I don’t say so myself. The day before my first chemo infusion, I sat in the chair of my favourite stylist and told her to do as she saw fit and take it all off.

I felt fresh and it gave me that extra boost I needed to start chemo. The style lasted all of three weeks. In that three weeks, I learnt that I really love having short hair and it’s easy to maintain too. Then it started to all fall out, more about that in another post. Meanwhile, it’s post chemo and my hair is growing back in. It’s short like I would never imagine and I’m hoping it’s sassy too.

Think I’m going to keep it short for a while and make the habit of seeing my stylist once every 6 weeks. Something I never did before with long hair. Another #lifelesson you never know until you try … and even if you don’t like it, that’s when you’ll know for sure! So here’s me in what is typically called a pixie cut. Thanks to cancer and chemo, if not this wouldn’t happen.

rolling out

It’s an Aluminium Anniversary

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A couple weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. Yep, the big 10 … ok, in the larger scheme of things 10 isn’t much, particularly compared to my parents’ 43 and they haven’t killed each other yet :p It’s true! Marriage is tough. My husband really doesn’t like it when I say that because it makes it sound like our marriage is especially difficult. Let me be honest here, I don’t think we’re special and our marriage isn’t especially difficult, just like my parents’ isn’t either. I think it’s a same everywhere – making a marriage work takes a lot of effort. It isn’t easy and very rarely it is.

It can be for some people and when they are, I do want to pick their brains and hearts and find out how they do it. For the rest of us mere mortals, it does take work but doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Not at all, in fact, IMHO, it’s a positive thing that I’m working at it at least it shows I’m still interested, engaged and committed. My husband should really worry when I want to stop working at it 😉

That said, marriage like any relationship, even the seemingly simple ones take some level of effort. It should too because when it’s worth it, you want to work at it. Just don’t lose yourself. that’s the part that gets the best and the worst of us. On the flip side, don’t take the other half of the relationship for granted. Again it’s happened to all of us. So that’s me in the last 10 years of my marriage, sliding from one end of the spectrum to the other while trying to keep balance. It makes it worth while (even though some times it doesn’t feel like it particularly when my hormones go on a rampage) because my husband is riding the spectrum too! That’s my marriage in a nutshell, two individuals trying to keep a teeter-totter (that’s Canadian for a see saw) in balance 🙂

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P/S: That pretty much sums up all the dances that I do with my Mummy, Daddy, baby sister, sisters-in-law, brother-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles, best-est of friends … yah, every relationship in my life. Except maybe God who I know definitely takes the brunt of the weight!

What Kind of Mother Would I Have Been?

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Growing up I always thought I’d have kids, at least two of them and if wishes came true, five or more! LOL I always did want loads of children but as life would have it, it doesn’t usually go according to plan and my maternal role is played out with my nephews, nieces, god kids and little friends.

Mothers. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some women are a natural at it and make mothering look so easy. Yet there are some who abandoned their roles and leave vacuums to be filled by others who take up the challenge. In my lifetime, I’ve been blessed to have the former but I’ve also seen how the latter leaves permanent impact for better or worse. It’s not something I can understand, not having a mother be there for me and yet, I’ve had some friends tell me that they rather not have a mother at all than their abusive selfish mothers.

Like everything else in life, there isn’t a perfect mother and if I had a chance of being one, I would like to think I learnt from my own Mother, my Mama (paternal grandma) and my Popo (maternal grandma) and simply just love my children with all my heart. Sure, it isn’t quite as simple as that, children can drive you crazy. From my own childhood and now watching my little ones grow up, children can really test you! I hope I would have had the patience to listen, to support and to encourage.

I also hope I won’t forget to be a good wife because I think most mothers do, even fathers forget how to be good husbands. Children can take over our lives. I hope I would have remembered that it’s about being a family and not just a mother.

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I may never have any kids on my own but I definitely have kids whom I mother with all my heart; where the definition of family is much larger and Mother’s Day is just as special.

It took a couple of years but I’ve learnt sometimes life doesn’t turn out like you planned but that’s because your plan wasn’t right to begin with 🙂

Shoes and Feet

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Earlier this week, I left the house early for a 10am meeting. Feeling pretty chuffed that I was going to have time to settle down at my desk, make my favourite tea and get in the right frame of mind for my pitch meeting. Then I turn onto the major road about a minute from my home and BAM I was in a massive jam. Usually it can get a little crazy because of the transit construction that’s going in and around where I live but this was unusually slow … as in N.O.T.  M.O.V.I.N.G.  A.T.  A.L.L. It rarely gets that bad in Singapore but sometime it does.

I started complaining, mostly to myself since there wasn’t anyone else in the car with me. Complaining about the rain that always slows things down, about the construction which changes the roads over night and drivers not being fully awake for the first day of the work week … complain, complain and complain. The stretch of road which normally takes me 5mins to cover and say maybe 8mins with traffic light stops took me an hour that morning!! From being early for my meeting to being late! I was getting very impatient. Then I had front row seats to why traffic was so horrid that morning.

It wasn’t the rain, it wasn’t the construction and it wasn’t sleepy drivers. It was a very bad accident that cost someone’s life. I was stopped at the traffic light junction right in front of the accident scene. Like God heard me complain loud and clear (like a brat) and knew I needed a reminder (hard knock in the head). The scene hit me hard. The raining was pouring, police men standing in the rain controlling traffic, one was standing by the blue tent covering the accident victim and vehicles (buses, construction trucks, delivery lorries, motorcycles and cars) from three lanes had to be slowly squeezed into one lane. There I sat, in my car at the red lights with nowhere else to go or to look and I heard my favourite Persian proverb, “I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet.”

I woke up that morning not thinking twice about the day ahead of me and complained non-stop about how I just wasted an hour in the car when somewhere out there a family’s life is completely overturned and it will never be the same again.

I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that family and pray that they find strength in each other as they go through this difficult time. You’d think being in your 40s would give you some humility and maturity not to sweat the small stuff, I obviously still have a lot to learn.

This week (like every other week … wasn’t it suppose to get easier when you get older?), I’ll try harder to be kinder, to be grateful and less judgemental because you never know what someone else is going through.

Earth Day

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I wonder if anyone pays attention to Earth Day anymore or if they ever did. I remember when recycling was the thing to do and now everyone talks about upcycling. For me, it’s all about trying to simplify. It wasn’t always like that. I’m as much a consumer as anyone else and I’m not sure when but one day I did realise there are a lot of things I have that I don’t really need. Just a lot of things I want. Then came the harsh realisation that if I didn’t buy all the things I wanted … I could probably have had a down payment for my dream car.

It was about 5 years or so ago when I was walking around Beijing with my then boss and asked him if he wanted to buy his wife something. He began to tell me how he and his wife have come to an agreement that they only bought things they needed and if they came home with a purchase of something they already had, they had to get rid of the old item that needed to be replaced by the new purchase. Like a light bulb that went off in my head, I thought to myself I like that and I’ll try it out.

Fast forward to 2017 and I’ve mostly stuck to that rule. Couple of things I’ve learnt:-

  1. I never ever have to buy bags. My family and friends always seem to get me bags and I never run out of them.
  2. White pieces of clothes are the ones I replace the most. Maybe I should invest in a bib. Everything else seem to last. Again family and friends have me covered on that front too.
  3. I don’t ever buy pyjamas anymore because I just recycle/upcycle older clothes to chic sleepwear 🙂
  4. I spend a lot of money on FOOD. Being vegetarian is not the most cost efficient. Add organic and that’s the bulk of my budget.
  5. I like spending money on people I love. I don’t consume much for myself anymore but I do like buying things or experiences (especially when it’s shared with me) for my family and friends.

So I haven’t quite saved enough for my dream car but I’ve figured out that I don’t really need it anyway. On this Earth Day like every other one, I smile a little, give thanks that I’m blessed with amazing people in my life. We’re not perfect but we’re there for each other. I couldn’t ask for more and this week, my theme is more of the same – remind the people I love that I love them!

Being Catholic is Awesome

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It wasn’t always awesome. Some time in history it was as bad as how my Muslim friends have it now with terrorists hijacking their religion and in even more recent history, maybe it’s still happening in secret, the whole paedophilia priest crisis is still a big issue. One that every Catholic still has to keep a keen eye and ear out for and take every step to make sure it NEVER happens again to another child. Yet the Pope Francis Effect is real. He truly is a beacon for Christ’s love to shine bright for the world right now.

Easter has always been my favourite Christian celebration so when this little message was making the viral rounds on the internet, my heart warmed. Honestly, I don’t know if Pope Francis said this because I tried to look for it online and couldn’t confirm it.

You can have defects, anxious and live irritated sometimes, but do not forget that your life is the biggest company in the world. Only you can prevent her from going into decline. There are many who appreciate you, admire you and love you. I would like you to remember that to be happy, is not to have a sky without storms, road without accidents, works without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.
To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the box of fear, love in disagreements.
Being happy is not only valuing the smile, but also reflecting on sadness. It is not just to commemorate success, but to learn lessons in failures. It is not just to have joy with applause, but to have joy in anonymity. To be happy is to recognize that life is worth living, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings, and periods of crisis.
Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but a conquest for those who know how to travel within their own being.
To be happy is to stop being a victim of problems and become an actor in one’s own history. It is to cross deserts out of itself, but to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul. It is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life.
Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It is knowing how to talk about yourself.
It is courage to hear a “no”. It is safe to receive criticism, even if it is unfair. It is to kiss the children, to pamper parents, to have poetic moments with friends, even if they hurt us.
To be happy is to let the free, happy and simple creature live within each one of us.
It is to have maturity to say ‘I was wrong’. It is to have the audacity to say ‘forgive me’. It is to have sensitivity to express ‘I need you’. It is to be able to say ‘I love you’.
May your life become a garden of opportunity to be happy. May you be joyous in your spring. In your winter you are friend of wisdom. And when you get in the way, start all over again. Then you will be more passionate about life. And you will discover that to be happy is not to have a perfect life. But use tears to water the tolerance. Use the losses to refine the patience. Use flaws to sculpt serenity. Use pain lapping pleasure.
Use obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.
Never give up ….
Never give up on the people you love.
Never give up being happy, because life is a must-see!

This is the Pope Francis Effect though, anything positive, encouraging and radiating with love the world believes it’s him. I’ll take that, we need all the warm and fuzzy we can get in this somewhat dark time we currently love in. So, in celebration with all the Christians around the world today as we rejoice that the Lord has risen, it’s so much easier to believe with Pope Francis making it real for all of us.

That’s my theme for the week, thanks to Pope Francis or of all things positive on the internet #nevergiveupbeinghappy 🙂 Happy Easter everyone!

 

Meant To Be

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Do you believe in fate? That things are meant to be? Couple of weeks ago, I gave up my Coldplay ticket in Singapore to a friend. No fuss, I did want to go but he wanted it more for someone else and asked. I said ok and I was actually ok. Though I do like Coldplay and would have liked to go and see them. Fast forward to April 7, I arrive in Bangkok for a weekend getaway with a couple of friends and guess what I find out? Coldplay is playing in Bangkok on April 7! So I went, if we could find reasonable tickets, we’ll go and we did!

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After a crazy ordeal of collecting our tickets, which we weren’t sure were legit or not till we were seated in the stadium, and navigating to the venue on foot, we got there just in time for them to come on stage and start the show. I’m definitely a fan of the earlier albums, the first one in particular but it was still a very enjoyable show with the band coming across sincere and like they were genuinely having fun. More than that, I got to share the concert with one of my dearest mates who isn’t my typical concert buddy but I think that will change now. So do you believe that some things are just #meanttobe? I’m already sold on the concept … though a very logical part of me fights it a lot. Getting to watch Coldplay in Bangkok with Resh was just meant to be.

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine going through the ordeal of navigating traffic, taking trains when there’s no cabs, walking and walking and walking, waiting an hour for a cab that on the app said was only 9mins away with someone who wouldn’t call it quits and brought out the best in me despite the highly stressful situation. It open a side of each other we already knew but I guess with this experience solidified the fact that we do complement each other in the way lifetime friendships are built. That’s why I had to give up my Singapore ticket and come to Bangkok to watch Coldplay instead.

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In the greater scheme of things, there is a plan, reasons for why things happen or who comes into your life. Even the bad stuff, there is a reason. Someone out there makes it all happen, someone bigger, someone who knows more, someone who has a plan. My role is to surrender and trust. To be grateful. To keep an open mind. I don’t have to understand when it happens but it’ll eventually be made clear. Like with the Coldplay concert, I get why I had to give up my Singapore ticket so easily. I was meant to go, just in a different city with a different friend 🙂 And possibly start a new tradition!

Here’s to things that are meant to be! Just let go and trust is my theme for the week.