because why

Feeding My Soul

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 We don’t inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.

—Native American proverb

I grew up in Singapore which means nature didn’t come easy for us and the occasional jaunt in the Botanic Gardens, East Coast or MacRitchie was about it. I always knew though that I enjoyed being by the beach but until I moved away and experienced real nature where you can’t head traffic or modernity of any kind, I never knew how much it fed my soul. Here is where I learnt to have 2 favourite nature spots that can silent me – Banff, Canada where the rockies are mesmerising and the beaches in Perth, Australia where the crashing of waves are comforting.

I never really camped growing up either so when I first did with my then boyfriend, now husband, I was sold. Despite not having access to a bathroom, it is liberating being out in the open. As I got weaker and weaker last year, I was very grateful that part of the MacRitchie trail was close to home. When I mustered enough energy, I could go into the trails and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist.

Like all the other life lesson, cancer and chemo treatment was a reminder to make time for nature. Life and work has a way of taking over and running the hamster wheel can be all consuming. As I’m slowly going back to normal schedule, I remind myself to take walks, sit in a park, soak by the beach as much as I can in a day. Now I’m also adding to my bucket list, to visit one national park/nature reserve/nature spot a year. So next up when we head to Yogyakarta for our anniversary next week, I’ll look into a nature spot to nourish my soul. Any recommendations anyone?

Dear Little Ones (Some Aren’t So Little Anymore)

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Once covid wrapped up, I thought life would resume back to normal and one of the “normal” was hanging out with the kids in my life. With a compromised immune system, I wasn’t seeing anyone much less the kids who everyone kept reminding me are germ infested on the best of days. Left to video calls and texts, the kids were constantly reminding me that they were all rooting for me.

I officially became an aunt 20 years ago when my cousin and my best friend had their sons. Along the way, I was very blessed with more and more kids coming into my life. There are a couple more due this year too. So from 20 year olds to new borns, I’m grateful my family and friends trust me to hang out with their little ones and hopefully become the favourite aunt 😉 Today one of the these kids, my 17 year old goddaughter got on a plane for Canada to start her next stage of school; and this week’s life lesson is going to come in a form of a letter to these kids in my life. They’ve all heard/read me say this to them in one way or another but the last year crystallised this hope I have for them – Believe in yourself.

Dear Little Ones,

You all came into my life in so many different ways and I’m so very grateful that you all did. In many more ways, you’ve all taught me a lot of things too and in the last year, I’ve been so touched by all your love and support through one of the craziest years of my life. Your texts, calls, cards, letters made feeling sick easier and reminded me how blessed I am with the village that continues to raise me.

As you all grow, you’ll come to this realisation yourselves. Like me, you’re all blessed with great villages that love, support and believe in you. And for all of you I hope this life lesson comes to you sooner rather than later – Believe in yourself.

The world we live in is a crazy one. Social media makes it even harder. There are going to be dark days, tough ones when you feel completely alone, in spite of the village. That’s when this life lesson kicked in for me. In the darkest of moments, when you are left on your own, you slowly learn and in my case with the grace of God, to believe in yourself.

As different as all of you are from each other, I know this is the same – each of you have a unique ability that makes you YOU and when you discover that about yourself, you will be stronger than you ever thought about yourself.

So go forth believe in yourself, trust yourself, find your voice and tell your story. When you’re ready, I’ll be right here ready to listen.

With So Much Love,

Coco/Yiyi/Godma/Aunty Carlene

Stupid is as Stupid Does

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When I started chemo, I was told that brain fog would be one of the side effects. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but I really wasn’t ready for how stupid I felt. EVERYTHING slowed down. So much so that I couldn’t check off a long To Watch list that I was excited to delve into as part of my down time. It was a list of new shows, anime, foreign language films. I quickly learnt I couldn’t process new storylines or premises, much less read subtitles. So I went back and started rewatching some my favourites and to name a few:-

  • X-Files
  • Seinfeld
  • Criminal Minds, all 12 seasons!
  • The West Wing
  • Breaking Bad
  • The Walking Dead
  • Modern Family
  • Clone Wars and this got me to re-watch the entire Star Wars franchise to date!

It was easier to fall in and out of sleep with these familiar stories playing. While my synapses felt blunt, my memories were surprisingly all there. I was quite impressed at how much I could remember of my favourite episodes and laughed or cried at pretty the same moments. As I am coming out of my brain fog and starting to feel more like myself, I learnt from a year of re-bingeing – good stories and relatable characters are timeless. All good things can’t last forever and 5 seasons seems to be how long any concept should live before it becomes bad. Maybe not bad but not as good as it was. Also, while not everyone will agree with me, I reckon The Clone Wars was a really good extension of the Star Wars world and I wish we saw Darth Maul more.

With my parents home from Australia and their binge on all things local, I caught up on Singaporean TV too. This simply reiterated the fact that relatable characters will get you very time. Now that the fog is lifting and my brain is starting to click like it was, I’m going back to my stories, re-focusing them, pushing the characters and planning to get them told.

Watch this space … because another life lesson from cancer and chemo, just tell your story.

P/S: Streamers should have cartoons from the 80s and 90s on their platform too. Loads of new cartoon but hard to find the ones I grew up on.

Help! I need Somebody

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Definitely one of my favourite Beatles song and a line I rarely use. I come from a long lineage of strong independent women who rarely ask for help. My Mom and Grandmas were examples of how when the going gets tough, the tough just keeps going. In the last year, as it got tougher and tougher, I was very fortunate. I didn’t even have to ask. Help came in so many ways, some were needed and others not quite but the thought helped keep my spirits up.

That said, when my cousin reached out to me last week as her friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and was going to start chemotherapy, she wanted to know how she could help. Which brings me to this post as I reflected on how it’s hard to ask for help especially when you have no idea what help you need. So as an experienced chemo warrior, I thought I’d come up with a list for anyone wondering how to help:-

  • Cooking, I really appreciated that I didn’t need to think about what to eat. I mean I didn’t feel like eating most of the time and it was so helpful to have a little something and someone prodding me every couple of hours to eat. I had a friend who who cut fruits and delivered them to me! Just check in with them on their diet restrictions, if any.
  • Cleaning, I had no energy at all so any help with chores around the house would be helpful. I’m usually quite an OCD but when I was feeling so weak, I was just so grateful that chores were getting done, it really didn’t matter it wasn’t done in my way.
  • Driving to and from doctor’s appointments and treatments. As I come to the end of my treatment and am driving myself again, it was really lovely to just get in the car and not have to deal with traffic.
  • I had a few friends who bought me gift certificates from supermarkets, specialty grocery stores and such. That was super helpful! With so many expenses, it was really one less thing to worry about. One of my cousins even bought me groceries a couple of times.
  • Checking in without expecting a response. I wasn’t always in the right frame of mind to reply but it gave me the warm and fuzzies to wake up to messages from friends and family who were just thinking of me and didn’t need a response.
  • Other gifts that I received which I used were comfy PJs which I wore nearly exclusively, beanies to keep my bald head warm and fuzzy socks as the chemo clinic gets quite cold.

As the memory of feeling so weak starts to fade and become more of a shadow, I want to remember as well supported as I was, I need to learn to ask for help. I really can’t do it on my own and asking for help isn’t about weakness, it’s about vulnerability. And only with vulnerability can you make authentic connections. I’m still working through this life lesson. Going through chemo treatment seems like the catalyst for this revelation. As I know I’ve grown closer to people whom I’ve shared this vulnerability with.

14 March 2022
28 March 2022

From Michonne to Okoye

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Michonne was my favourite character from the moment I saw her with her pet zombies in The Walking Dead which I re-binged during my treatment. When she yielded her samurai sword, I was reminded how I was completely sold on her. And recently I finally caught up with Wakanda Forever and Okoye intrigued me in a similar way. There is something about independent women in stories that I’ve always been drawn to. Post chemo treatment though, it was all about hair and the lack of.

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Watching Okoye made me miss my bald head. I surprised even myself how comfortable I got with my bald head and learnt that push come to shove, I will pick function over design. After the second chemo session, my hair started falling out; in a male balding pattern kinda of way … maybe that’s how all heads bald. 5 days after the second session which works out to be about a year ago give or take a week, my husband pulled out his shaver, hoped it would work on my head and I sat in the middle of the kitchen as he started shaving my head.

It wasn’t perfect but I remember feeling very free. Since the shaver couldn’t get a close clean shave, my Dad took me to our friendly neighbourhood barber to get it cleaned up.

And my Dad got his head shaved too! Here we are as twins! All I need is a moustache and a goatee 😉 Being bald was very easy. When I came back from the barber and jumped in the shower, I wiped my head dry and that was it. I laid down for a nap, instinctively thought my head would be too damp and touched my pillow which was of course, bone dry. When you have no energy from chemo, having no hair was one less thing to worry about and that’s what I loved about being bald. It was so so easy. Although, I had to find ways to cover my head to keep it warm. I got cold quick with a bald head.

There are a number of things I learnt from being bald. The first is that life can surprise you in ways you least expect it to. If someone told me last year that I would have enjoyed being bald, I would think they would be off their rockers but I did. This reminded me of the Buddhist parable where he turned arrows aimed at him into flowers and how things may seemingly be bad but doesn’t have to be. That’s my life lesson from being bald. While my hair is growing back, my Dad is keeping his bald. It’s a good look on him too, if I don’t say so myself. I’m keeping an even more open mind about life experiences which brings me back to Michonne. Should I add “getting dreadlocks” to my bucket list?

What has May Day got to do with Trust?

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I never really understood what May Day or Labour Day was all about. Some say it’s about  the arrival of spring. In Singapore, I’ve learnt it’s more attuned to International Workers’ Day where it’s for the celebration of the working class, which I most definitely fall into – being an adult and finding the way to be independently sustainable. So I take heart and am grateful for a break, from the grind that keeps me busy on a 9-5 daily basis.

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In the last year, I’ve learnt a critical life lesson about the grind that keeps me busy. I’m not sure how long more I have of my working life but my plan is honestly to keep working till I drop dead, mostly because I do like the grind I get to be a part of. However, the critical lesson is this – I know now I want and have to work with good people of the same values but vastly different perspectives whom I can implicitly trust. Trust. It’s the thing that no money can buy. It comes from sharing experiences … maybe even having betrayed that trust and building it up again. How ever you come by it, particularly in a person who has the same kind of values but sees the world from the other end of the room, I say hold on to that person. That’s what I’ve learnt will make a good team.

In the last, almost 2 decades of my working life, I have been fortunate to have had worked with a couple of people like that. I’m hoping that one day I can bring my A Team together. What will we do? I kinda have some idea but with my A Team I believe we can do pretty much everything.

Is it possible to trust someone who is inherently different from you? Yes, I believe so. The key is to be focused on what you have that is in common. In my experience, it’s kindness, compassion, believing in delivering the best product or service for the target audience and doing the hard work to get there. It’s not easy to find at all but that’s what I’m focused on looking for and putting together now. In the meantime, in honour of May Day I’ll be taking the break, kicking back and chilling with some Netflix.

Earth Day

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I wonder if anyone pays attention to Earth Day anymore or if they ever did. I remember when recycling was the thing to do and now everyone talks about upcycling. For me, it’s all about trying to simplify. It wasn’t always like that. I’m as much a consumer as anyone else and I’m not sure when but one day I did realise there are a lot of things I have that I don’t really need. Just a lot of things I want. Then came the harsh realisation that if I didn’t buy all the things I wanted … I could probably have had a down payment for my dream car.

It was about 5 years or so ago when I was walking around Beijing with my then boss and asked him if he wanted to buy his wife something. He began to tell me how he and his wife have come to an agreement that they only bought things they needed and if they came home with a purchase of something they already had, they had to get rid of the old item that needed to be replaced by the new purchase. Like a light bulb that went off in my head, I thought to myself I like that and I’ll try it out.

Fast forward to 2017 and I’ve mostly stuck to that rule. Couple of things I’ve learnt:-

  1. I never ever have to buy bags. My family and friends always seem to get me bags and I never run out of them.
  2. White pieces of clothes are the ones I replace the most. Maybe I should invest in a bib. Everything else seem to last. Again family and friends have me covered on that front too.
  3. I don’t ever buy pyjamas anymore because I just recycle/upcycle older clothes to chic sleepwear 🙂
  4. I spend a lot of money on FOOD. Being vegetarian is not the most cost efficient. Add organic and that’s the bulk of my budget.
  5. I like spending money on people I love. I don’t consume much for myself anymore but I do like buying things or experiences (especially when it’s shared with me) for my family and friends.

So I haven’t quite saved enough for my dream car but I’ve figured out that I don’t really need it anyway. On this Earth Day like every other one, I smile a little, give thanks that I’m blessed with amazing people in my life. We’re not perfect but we’re there for each other. I couldn’t ask for more and this week, my theme is more of the same – remind the people I love that I love them!

Meant To Be

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Do you believe in fate? That things are meant to be? Couple of weeks ago, I gave up my Coldplay ticket in Singapore to a friend. No fuss, I did want to go but he wanted it more for someone else and asked. I said ok and I was actually ok. Though I do like Coldplay and would have liked to go and see them. Fast forward to April 7, I arrive in Bangkok for a weekend getaway with a couple of friends and guess what I find out? Coldplay is playing in Bangkok on April 7! So I went, if we could find reasonable tickets, we’ll go and we did!

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After a crazy ordeal of collecting our tickets, which we weren’t sure were legit or not till we were seated in the stadium, and navigating to the venue on foot, we got there just in time for them to come on stage and start the show. I’m definitely a fan of the earlier albums, the first one in particular but it was still a very enjoyable show with the band coming across sincere and like they were genuinely having fun. More than that, I got to share the concert with one of my dearest mates who isn’t my typical concert buddy but I think that will change now. So do you believe that some things are just #meanttobe? I’m already sold on the concept … though a very logical part of me fights it a lot. Getting to watch Coldplay in Bangkok with Resh was just meant to be.

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine going through the ordeal of navigating traffic, taking trains when there’s no cabs, walking and walking and walking, waiting an hour for a cab that on the app said was only 9mins away with someone who wouldn’t call it quits and brought out the best in me despite the highly stressful situation. It open a side of each other we already knew but I guess with this experience solidified the fact that we do complement each other in the way lifetime friendships are built. That’s why I had to give up my Singapore ticket and come to Bangkok to watch Coldplay instead.

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In the greater scheme of things, there is a plan, reasons for why things happen or who comes into your life. Even the bad stuff, there is a reason. Someone out there makes it all happen, someone bigger, someone who knows more, someone who has a plan. My role is to surrender and trust. To be grateful. To keep an open mind. I don’t have to understand when it happens but it’ll eventually be made clear. Like with the Coldplay concert, I get why I had to give up my Singapore ticket so easily. I was meant to go, just in a different city with a different friend 🙂 And possibly start a new tradition!

Here’s to things that are meant to be! Just let go and trust is my theme for the week.

 

Plenty of Bunnies who are Jerks too

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The other day, I was talking to a friend about Zootopia. He didn’t like it. I was like WHAT?!?!? In fact, he said it was a story that has been told time and time again and it was boring. BORING?!?! The proverbial tale that we’re all different yet the same, that there’s always more than meets the eye and change starts with me – the individual.

Ok, I do agree with that. It isn’t a new story and you do have to be careful of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Except in Zootopia it’s the harmless cute sheep you have to keep an eye on. Yet it is a tale as achingly relevant in our 21st century as it was a hundred years, heck a thousand years ago. Kinda like how To Kill a Mockingbird can’t go out of style.

In a Trump Presidency world where fear led by ignorance creeps into every facet of our lives, I take heart that in a seemingly children’s tale like Zootopia we needed the effervescent bunny, Judy Hopps to remind us that someone can be ” a jerk who happened to be a fox. I know plenty of bunnies who are jerks.” In my last 42 years of my life, I’ve learnt that no one race, religion, gender, sexuality or age has dips on being a douche. Everyone can be a douche and if you take the time to have an open dialogue, get to know the person, you or at least I’ve come to realise that they can be as big a douchebag as I can be and in the greater scheme of things, they are capable of being kind, honest and supportive as I try to be everyday.

So I remind myself as much as I don’t like having to share this world with rude self-serving douchebags, the rest of us decent functional beings have to make the best of what we’ve got. The alternative reminds me of a sad tribe in the last season of The Walking Dead – hiding, pretending that we don’t exist as the douchebags try and take over the world. We just can’t have that and with more meaningful words of Judy Hopps,

“Real life is a little bit more complicated than a slogan on a bumper sticker. Real life is messy. We all have limitations. We all make mistakes. Which means―hey, glass half full!―we all have a lot in common. And the more we try to understand one another, the more exceptional each of us will be. But we have to try. So no matter what type of animal you are, from the biggest elephant to our first fox, I implore you: Try. Try to make the world a better place. Look inside yourself and recognize that change starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with all of us.”

That’s my theme for this week – how can I make it start with me?

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The Art of Being an Adult Child

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This weekly post is a day late because I’m sitting in the Bali airport waiting for my flight to go back home to Singapore. It was the first solo weekend getaway with my Mum, it was also her first time to Bali. And it was a success, imho 🙂

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I’ve managed to make my Mum fall in love with Bali as much as I do. Honestly, before I wasn’t sure because there’s certain things my Mum doesn’t like … messy developing states and humid weather, just to name a couple but she does LIKE Bali, its massages and chilling by the villa!! That’s what I like being an adult child, being the one who opens our parents mind to something different, something new, something they would never do on their own. They did it for us while we were growing up and now as they are learning to get use to the next phase of their life -their silver years. They have to get use to us, the adult child being the ones who do the parenting.

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It’s so easy to see the stuff our parents do that drive us crazy, you know the stuff we complain about and eventually become 😉 Yah, those parts. For better or worse, I’m grateful I like my parents and if I’m eventually going to be like them, it isn’t going to be that bad. For me at least, not sure about my husband 🙂 Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t perfect … far from it but they’ve who I got and they made me. You’ve heard the saying, ” Karma’s a bitch.” I’m my parents karma despite their pretty easy going ways raising me, I’m not an easy going adult child. I’m not quite sure why, I’m just not. I yell, I’m bossy and I’m controlling as hell but I’m learning trying to figure out life, being an adult, being me and when it comes to my parents, being an adult child.

I read a good advice somewhere once about how to be a good parent. It was simple. Just show up, be present and be there. It’s true, it really is quite that simple. You can’t always be there, can’t always be present and other times you simply can’t show up. Things happen, they do but you try your darn-est. Kids will get it. Me and my sister do.

So that’s what I’m learning about being an adult child, just try my best to show up, be present and be there. Next, to show up and be present while trying to open my parents’ mind to Google Drive and Dropbox 🙂