Month: March 2023

Help! I need Somebody

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Definitely one of my favourite Beatles song and a line I rarely use. I come from a long lineage of strong independent women who rarely ask for help. My Mom and Grandmas were examples of how when the going gets tough, the tough just keeps going. In the last year, as it got tougher and tougher, I was very fortunate. I didn’t even have to ask. Help came in so many ways, some were needed and others not quite but the thought helped keep my spirits up.

That said, when my cousin reached out to me last week as her friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and was going to start chemotherapy, she wanted to know how she could help. Which brings me to this post as I reflected on how it’s hard to ask for help especially when you have no idea what help you need. So as an experienced chemo warrior, I thought I’d come up with a list for anyone wondering how to help:-

  • Cooking, I really appreciated that I didn’t need to think about what to eat. I mean I didn’t feel like eating most of the time and it was so helpful to have a little something and someone prodding me every couple of hours to eat. I had a friend who who cut fruits and delivered them to me! Just check in with them on their diet restrictions, if any.
  • Cleaning, I had no energy at all so any help with chores around the house would be helpful. I’m usually quite an OCD but when I was feeling so weak, I was just so grateful that chores were getting done, it really didn’t matter it wasn’t done in my way.
  • Driving to and from doctor’s appointments and treatments. As I come to the end of my treatment and am driving myself again, it was really lovely to just get in the car and not have to deal with traffic.
  • I had a few friends who bought me gift certificates from supermarkets, specialty grocery stores and such. That was super helpful! With so many expenses, it was really one less thing to worry about. One of my cousins even bought me groceries a couple of times.
  • Checking in without expecting a response. I wasn’t always in the right frame of mind to reply but it gave me the warm and fuzzies to wake up to messages from friends and family who were just thinking of me and didn’t need a response.
  • Other gifts that I received which I used were comfy PJs which I wore nearly exclusively, beanies to keep my bald head warm and fuzzy socks as the chemo clinic gets quite cold.

As the memory of feeling so weak starts to fade and become more of a shadow, I want to remember as well supported as I was, I need to learn to ask for help. I really can’t do it on my own and asking for help isn’t about weakness, it’s about vulnerability. And only with vulnerability can you make authentic connections. I’m still working through this life lesson. Going through chemo treatment seems like the catalyst for this revelation. As I know I’ve grown closer to people whom I’ve shared this vulnerability with.

14 March 2022
28 March 2022

Superpower of Smell

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Chemo is tough on your digestive system and there are so many reactions. Some are in pain and nauseous all the time. Others have no reaction at all. I was somewhere in between. My tummy was not happy and was in a constant state of indigestion most of 2022. I stopped getting hungry and lost nearly all of my tastebuds, all except sour and thankfully, I could still smell. In fact, I think my sense of smell become more acute too! Like a new superpower, I knew every time my Dad bought his favourite Hokkien Mee from Circuit Road Market home.

I learnt that without tastebuds it is very easy to eat healthier. Didn’t matter what you put in front of me, I could put it in my mouth, chew and swallow; up to the point where the state of indigestion would protest. This meant I didn’t eat much and was on a schedule like a baby, every couple of hours, my wonderful family would put a little bowl of something for me to eat.

I always knew my Mom and sister were excellent chefs but they really outdid themselves to entice me to eat more. My sister played with textures and aromas. My Mom modified old favourites with more tart and no sugar. Even my SIL, Jenna got into it and made this amazing dish that smelled wonderful and had so much texture, it was so fun to eat. This reminds me, I have to get her to recreate this when my tastebuds are back.

And nope, my tastebuds aren’t back yet. It’s been about a year of quite a surreal experience. When I tell people I’ve lost my tastebuds, they screw their face up and look at me sympathetically. I totally get it but after the year, I can honestly say it isn’t as bad as I always thought it would be to have no taste. I learnt smells are about 80% of taste and I’ve developed a way of eating where you chew and take deep breaths at the same time. The next time we’re having a meal and I look weird, it means my tastebuds aren’t back and I’m tasting my food! I also realised textures are very important to eating too and I love chewy textures. Bread, rice, al dente pasta and noodles. Like with my Mom’s Nasi Ulam, it was my go to and one of my favourite to have. The blend of spices, rice and veggies gave me a complete experience when it comes to eating on chemo.

Chemo tummy made me slow down when I was eating. Something I never did before cancer, I was the shovel food as quickly as you can type of eater. Slow down, please is what I remind myself when I’m eating now. I take a breath as I chew and appreciate all the parts of the meal. Now I have to practice that with everything else in life. Slow down and do one thing at a time. I’m not quite sure if I can check this lesson off quite yet. I have a hunch I need to practice slowing down ALOT more.

From Michonne to Okoye

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Michonne was my favourite character from the moment I saw her with her pet zombies in The Walking Dead which I re-binged during my treatment. When she yielded her samurai sword, I was reminded how I was completely sold on her. And recently I finally caught up with Wakanda Forever and Okoye intrigued me in a similar way. There is something about independent women in stories that I’ve always been drawn to. Post chemo treatment though, it was all about hair and the lack of.

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Watching Okoye made me miss my bald head. I surprised even myself how comfortable I got with my bald head and learnt that push come to shove, I will pick function over design. After the second chemo session, my hair started falling out; in a male balding pattern kinda of way … maybe that’s how all heads bald. 5 days after the second session which works out to be about a year ago give or take a week, my husband pulled out his shaver, hoped it would work on my head and I sat in the middle of the kitchen as he started shaving my head.

It wasn’t perfect but I remember feeling very free. Since the shaver couldn’t get a close clean shave, my Dad took me to our friendly neighbourhood barber to get it cleaned up.

And my Dad got his head shaved too! Here we are as twins! All I need is a moustache and a goatee 😉 Being bald was very easy. When I came back from the barber and jumped in the shower, I wiped my head dry and that was it. I laid down for a nap, instinctively thought my head would be too damp and touched my pillow which was of course, bone dry. When you have no energy from chemo, having no hair was one less thing to worry about and that’s what I loved about being bald. It was so so easy. Although, I had to find ways to cover my head to keep it warm. I got cold quick with a bald head.

There are a number of things I learnt from being bald. The first is that life can surprise you in ways you least expect it to. If someone told me last year that I would have enjoyed being bald, I would think they would be off their rockers but I did. This reminded me of the Buddhist parable where he turned arrows aimed at him into flowers and how things may seemingly be bad but doesn’t have to be. That’s my life lesson from being bald. While my hair is growing back, my Dad is keeping his bald. It’s a good look on him too, if I don’t say so myself. I’m keeping an even more open mind about life experiences which brings me back to Michonne. Should I add “getting dreadlocks” to my bucket list?

Deep Breaths and Savour

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I caught a cold earlier this week which frustrated me to no end. Considering the last year I had, you would think I would be use to feeling unwell by now. This means I still need more practice on being patient. It is really a tough lesson for me.

Chemo wipes you out pretty much entirely. Last year, I remember being frustrated at not being able to do as much or what I wanted. So so frustrated that I had to be content with being horizontal.

I don’t know who took that picture of me after the first cycle of chemo but that was how I was most of the time – horizontal. With whatever energy I could muster, I distinctly remember feeling frustrated. A sweet friend of mine who is much younger than me would often say to me, “This too shall pass.” My other dear friend who is the same age as me would prod me whenever I needed it, “Deep breaths.” These were the two life lessons from last year I had put together to practice patience.

Whenever I feel the frustration or irritation creep in, I’d take deep breaths and hear myself say, ” This too shall pass.” And viola! Pass it most definitely has. A year worth of cancer treatment is coming to an end *dance the happy dance* Two more infusions to go!

Looking back, the tough days are a shadow of the memories. Taking deep breaths today, I can savour both the good and the bad moments. It was with my excessively running nose and aching bones that that reminded me once again. I took the time to lie down, take deep breaths and savour the comfort my bed afforded me.