Half Way There

Boom! Right on schedule, cue feelings of uncertainty, lack of direction and hello!! We have a mid-life crisis approaching.  If you ever read this blog, you know that I have this silly hunch that I’ll expire at 84. The last couple of months have pretty much confirmed this hunch so I better take good care of myself if I have to last another 42 years.

That’s beside the point. What actually is the point then? These feelings of uncertainty, unsatisfied yearn are so familiar yet subtly quite different. At 21, I had them … this sense of clueless-ness. This time it feels like the same thing but not … exactly. For one, I’m a lot more confident that whatever the next year (or the next 42 years for that matter) may throw at me, I’ll be alright. I may have to adapt to new normals but alright I’ll be. That’s the key difference between a quarter life crisis and a mid-life one. You’ve gone through enough “plans not happening” and coming out of the other side that few things faze you anymore.

Yet there’s the same uncertainty because well, that’s life, if it’s anything we can depend on, it’s change. Change we can’t control which normally would drive control freak me a little on edge, I’ve come to learn to accept. To surrender. If anyone told me when I was 21, I would have to learn to surrender, I would have to laugh in their face because I was taught to always fight and fight hard. Some times it’ll pay off, other times it won’t but you have to fight. As of yesterday and at 42, I’ve come to acquire SOME wisdom and know now the ability to surrender isn’t a reflection of myself or some ego-filled acknowledgement of the virtues I’ve come to have in my older age. It is a blessing bestowed on me through the lessons from the first 41 years of my life.

Truth: the more I try to control, the less I have control of. At the end of the day, it’ll be alright and be just between me and Him. I’ll let you in on a secret though, I haven’t really learnt to completely surrender yet but hey, I’m only half way there. Lots of lessons learnt, a lot more to go 🙂

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